ABSOLUTIONS

It just started raining here.

I only noticed it when the damn raindrops got in my eyes. Annoying. Of course, why should I be looking at the sky so much anyway? Nothing interesting up there anymore. I actually saw that Air Garden float over my head once, a while away from Daguerro. My chocobo went crazy.

That wasn’t pleasant. The bastard threw me off right into the ocean.

I’m in the canyons surrounding Ipsen’s castle. Don’t ask me why the hell I’m here. I just felt like it. Maybe I knew Lani wouldn’t follow me; how the hell could she, the girl doesn’t have a water-walking chocobo. Funny. Of course, I don’t think it’ll be long before I see her anyway. Airships have been cruising back and forth to this place to check it out on Regent Cid’s order, and Lani’s smart enough to catch a ride.

I dunno exactly when the two of us met. I can’t remember anything about it, which is funny in a way. I mean, it must be solely because of something in Lani that she follows me everywhere. I’m not about to say what either, because I’d curse myself. Why should I jump to a conclusion like that anyway? And exactly what good would it do me? Or her for that matter.

Just pissed, really. I wanted to be a loner; I am one. She came along, whenever that was, and I haven’t been able to get rid of her since. She annoys the hell out of me with her constant babble and arrogant behavior. "Oh Amarant, why are you always hogging the kill? I wanted to shred that one, and you ran up there and knocked it too far for my axe to reach."

She was freaking out because a Mu threw a rock at her and I got rid of it. I mean come on! The girl’s got serious issues, and I know exactly why. She grew up in Treno, and she was the youngest daughter of a wealthy family. Guess it all rubbed off too well; the little wench wears nail polish in battle. Anyway, her family went bust after a while, and they were forced to depend on other people for food and shelter and the like. Lani didn’t take to it very well, so from what I hear she put up quite the arrogant front. She got into numerous fights in school, and unfortunately won a few of them. Hence the tough-girl thing.

Now she’s a walking contradiction. And I’m the one who’s stuck with her. Go figure.

I have problems of my own.

Isen’s Castle seemed to lose it’s shine after we cleared it out the first time. Hell of a bother though, having to carry inferior equipment just to scratch these ugly wizard bastards. I can manage though. I went in here alone about five or six months ago, and I was having a hell of a time until Zidane came in after me.

He never should’ve done that, though. I planned on dying here and he screwed it up. After everything that cursed little monkey did to me, I should whoop his ass from here to what’s left of Terra. But the stupid thing is, I know I can’t. Zidane has this sort of power, and since I’ve traveled with him I think I know what it is. I mean, he was created to become Garland’s right-hand monkey after Kuja outlived his usefulness. So think about it. If Kuja had that kind of power, and Zidane was made the same…

Scary as hell. Someone as reckless as Zidane with spells like that at his command? Precisely the reason I never want to see him pushed over the edge. Not too far, at least. It’s fun watching people squirm, but getting in the way when they snap isn’t adviseable.

I dunno. When next I see Zidane it’ll be interesting. I still want a fight, even though I know what the result’s going to be. He’s got something in him, other than those spells, and I’ll be damned if I walk away not knowing what it is.

I saw Freya yesterday. I don’t even know if she saw me, but I saw her. Just as well if she didn’t though, I mean we were in a crowded town and stopping to talk would’ve made everyone else’s day worse. People have a hard time getting around me, I guess. If I had my way they’d all be walking on the other side of the street anyway, but whatever.

It was in Lindblum. Makes sense, it’s pretty close to Burmecia. I was at the Synthesist getting a new gold choker since a damned Ochu ate my old one. And Freya comes waltzing through town accompanied by her empty-headed boyfriend. I swear, she doesn’t need to waste her time on Fratley; if his memory was going to come back it would’ve by now. Freya doesn’t need to grow old steadily while she’s trying anything and everything to jog his mind.

Wow, guess I am jealous. I don’t care much though. Not like Freya doesn’t know how I feel. Not like hell won’t freeze over before anything comes of it. Just like I said with Lani, exactly what good would it do me.

Wasn’t that brat Eiko moving to Lindblum? I could’ve sworn Cid took her in. Poor guy; Eiko’s one mean little ankle-biter. I’m glad I’m never going to have kids; I mean it’s bad enough everyone else’s babies bumping into me on the street and asking me silly questions about the sky or water or whatever the hell. My own?! Gods no. and if it ended up anything like me, I’d have to drown it.

In acid.

Of course if it ended up anything like Vivi that’d be fine. Yeah, so I like the little bugger; sue me. What can you have against him anyway? He’s brave as all hell, going on like that knowing he’s going to die any day. And him facing his creator down like that. Gotta give him points. I’d have to say out of all the people I’ve met, Freya and Vivi are the only ones I don’t have to pretend to get along with.

I wonder, though, how they feel about me sometimes. It’s pretty plain how Zidane feels; the same way I do for him. We respect each other a whole lot, but we have a hard time liking each other. Even after saving each other’s asses countless times. Dagger, I don’t know about. Seems to me the only ones she ever payed attention to were Zidane and Vivi. And her clanky sidekick thinks anyone who isn’t Zidane is a "scoundrel."

Screw him. I hope he oxidizes in his sleep.

As for Freya? Hell, I could go on and on. I sometimes think she likes me. I thknk sometimes, when my mind gets away form me, that it’s more than that. I think mostly that she could care less about me, but then I wake the hell up. Freya’s the only one who’s ever made me beat up on myself like this. It feels so damn ugly to me, but sometimes I’ll just sit here and remember who this is about. That feels good, dammit. Love feels okay sometimes.

To bad. A lot of good it does me. The woman’s devoted. To a mindless idiot, but she’s devoted nonetheless. Yay, Amarant, you lose again.

Speaking of which, I really need to find some way for me to remember my real name.

Headed for the ruins of Cleyra tomorrow. I want to see as much of this world as I can before mindless revolutionaries like Dagger get to it. Maybe I’ll run into Freya on my way out. Maybe not. I’ve been trying all night to convince myself I couldn’t care less. A lot of good that’s doing me.

Damn. I just read over this stuff and realized just how much I write in this stupid thing. Aw well. Better than actually expressing all this and letting myself turn sappy or something. I’d rather be the way I am than some pile of jelly quivering on the floor.

Neat visual.

Cleyra’s non-existant. I thought at least some of the houses and such would’ve fallen in one or two pieces, but no. when the place fell, it fell hard. Testimony of an Eidolon’s power. Damn good reason I’m never going to piss off Dagger or the brat.

I feel so strange sitting here. Maybe because I should be in the shadow of a huge tree, maybe because the smell of death around here is enough to suffocate a normal person. Who the hell cares; I just feel weird. It’s like I’m being watched. And not in the sense of a monster staring at me from some dark corner, either. It’s like someone’s watching over me. Like I have a guardian of sorts. I’d love to know who it is, because they sure as hell must be bored to be staring at me all damn day.

Whatever though. Cleyra bores me. Too much of this anti-life presence. Of course, look at what happened to the damn thing. Shameful, if you ask me. I mean, this madwoman of a queen destroying a holy city just to get to her daughter. For the sole purpose of the monsters resting inside her, not because the woman loves her child or anything! Damn foolishness! And I was a part of it. That is what gets me. That during all this mess, I was directly involved in everything that happened. In some cases, if it weren’t for me things would’ve gone much worse. Or better; yeah, I admit to that. I had a major attitude during my travels. I felt better than everyone else, the brat and the princess and Freya included.

Not Zidane though. He bested me way before we ever formally met. To this day, even though I don’t dare say anything about it, I feel like I owe him one. One what, who the hell knows, but one something.

I don’t exactly know what made me go with everyone. If it was some sort of duty, or just lust for a good fight with the only one who defeated me. Ever. Whatever it was, I was part of the biggest thing ever to happen to Gaia, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way. Sure, I can play tough guy all I want, but I sort of miss everybody. Good times, eh?

I got an invitation today. It’s to the princess’ seventeenth birthday in Alexandria. There’s gonna be a big party and we’re all invited. Don’t know if I’ll actually go, but I might think about it. If I get too bored, sure thing. If not, everyone’ll just have to miss me this year.

It’s selfish. I know the one reason I’m not too keen on going to Alexandria. Freya, as stupid a reason as it is. But what the hell am I supposed to do?! It kills me more and more every time I see her; like that time a week or two ago in Lindblum. I don’t feel like going through any of that anymore. I suppose though, with as good as our friendship is, I can’t avoid her forever.

Then again, I have something going for me. Mystique, dammit. I’m the loner who has no friends. I’m the one who showed up out of nowhere and wrought havoc in everyone’s happy little world, then disappeared and has no intentions of returning.

Of course, that little purple Moogle found me. With this engraved invitation to the world’s capitol to celebrate the birthday of my friend. War buddy, I suppose you could say.

It’s hard not to feel loved. I do believe sometimes that everyone really misses me, and wants to see me again. But maybe Zidane and myself aren’t so different. My guess is no one’s heard from him since he jumped down into the Iifa Tree looking for that girly-man, Kuja. No one’s heard from me either, although maybe Freya’s going to head for Alexandria and tell Dager she saw me in Lindblum. Who knows. All I know is I’m not used to being wanted near people. Desire for my company is going to get you in trouble before you know it, even if you’re Necron himself.

But I’m wearing myself down steadily. I keep telling myself "Amarant, go back for just a while. You’ll see everyone you love and then you can disappear again." Screw it. If I don’t want to go they’ll understand. And it’s not my style to convince myself otherwise just for someone else’s benefit. What if something comes up in between now and then? What am I supposed to do, simply drop what I’m involved in and run to Alexandria just so I can see what Dagger looks like after a year?

Like they’d do that for me. Not that I remember when my birthday is, mind you, but even if I did I’d spend it alone. No, I’m wrong. Lani would find a way to track me down and throw confetti in my face, wouldn’t she?

Yeah, sure. I’ll go. I’m wanted somewhere. Hell, might be a chance I never have again.

This place is looking good! Dagger really pulled everyone together and got the city back on it’s feet. I’d say I’m proud of her, but screw it. I don’t use words like that, even with myself.

I got here about a week early, to run around and find out what’s going on with everyone. Or, in the back of my mind, to make sure I see Freya. I’m an idiotic bastard, but at least I can smile. Alexandria’s completely restored, which seemed an impossible thing to do in the first place, but in a little less than a year? Dammit, sure, I’m proud of the litte wench.

Why the hell did I have to change?

I’ve been wondering that for some time now. I mean, I know what happened to cause the change, but I’m just wondering why it had to happen in the first place. I was happy enough being a loner with no ties to anyone on the inside of that huge bubble we all walk around in. I was content just being me, working for and about me, and worrying only about me. In the first place, it’s a whole hell of a lot more convenient.

But then I fell to a boy with a tail. That started it, I guess. Amarant’s first taste of humility. Started me down a long road leading to the worst fate anyone like me could face.

Sappiness. Blech, the word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

But I guess there’s no way around it now. When I see everyone a week from now, and we gather together in front of that ugly-ass throne, I’m gonna want to cry or something. Somebody put me out of my misery right now, dammit!

I’m actually looking forward to this. Hey, everyone deserves a little happiness, right? Even if they don’t want it, or know what to do with it.

I just have to convince myself that I deserve it too. Maybe that’s what I was supposed to take away with me after everything happened. Who the hell knows. All I know is, as stupid as I feel admitting it, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gods, I’m an idiot.