What If...

by: Dagger

What If... This proves that the Final Fantasy IX characters should stick to Final Fantasy IX. Yes, they're intentionally out of character. Duh.

Sorry if I offend anybody with this crap ^_^.  Me and too much coke has interesting results.  If you haven't beaten ff7 (oh GOD there's no hope for you now), there's spoilers ahead.  MINOR ff9 spoilers if you don't know what the heck a Genome is yet.  It's not enough to ruin the game for you, or even the Genome thingy, I don't think...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters and stuff, Square does.  Weird stuff ahead.  Nothin' BAD, but still... weird o_o.


(ff6. kuja = kefka.)

Kuja: "Khehehe!"

Squaresoft: "Um, no."

Kuja: *sigh*  "......uweeheehee."

Squaresoft: "Uhhuh."


(ff7. garland = hojo. dagger = lucrecia. kuja = sephiroth. zidane = vincent. bobby c and stiltzy = extras. ;p)

Garland: "Gyah hah hah!  I'm an ugly old man.  I'm gonna sweettalk Dagger, a beautiful lab assistant, into having my baby named Kuja, inject the child with the Genome seed, and then create another of him and not give him a number!  Gha!  Oh, wait.  That horse laugh is Heidigger's.  Dammit.  This FF7 stuff is hard."  *breaks down crying*

Dagger: "Um.  There there, Garland.  It's okay, ssh..."

Zidane: "Rally-ho.  I am a jealous Turk.  What the hell is a Turk?"  *breaks down crying*

Bobby Corwen: *kwehs at Zidane*  "Rally-kweh!"

Stiltzkin: *dangerous*  "Rally-kupo.  ...KUPO!  KUPOOOO!  KU-PHEH!"

Bobby Corwen: *cowers*

Garland: *sobbing*  "And then Kuja, Kuja, he hid his tail, and I never had a mother to quell my fears, wah, fears of a cannibalistic Santa Claus!  All I wanted was a psychopathetic pony!"

Kuja: "......"

Garland: "Ah!  Son!"

Kuja: *runs away screaming like a, well, girl, which isn't too hard for him*  "Wahhh!  Okay!  Okay!  I know what it's like to be Sephiroth now!"

Squaresoft: *stares*


(ff7. zidane = cloud. kuja = zack)

Zidane: "Uhnnn..."

Kuja: "Hey, man.  We're gonna be mercenaries."

Truckdriver Garland: "How very ambitious of you."

Zidane: "Um.  Okay.  Uhn..."

Kuja: "Yup.  Mercenaries."

Zidane: "Right.  Uhn... who am I...?  Ahhh?"

Kuja: "Wrong point of the game."

Zidane: "Huh?  Oh.  Well at least I'm being stupid?  Aaaah... mako poisoning..."

Kuja: "Yup.  Mercenaries."

Zidane: "You sound like an NPC."

Kuja: "Yup.  Mercenaries."

Zidane: "...Kuja?"

Kuja: *jumps out of the truck, drags the limp Zidane out*  "Well, here we are!  A cliff!  No one will find us here!  No one at all!"  *unceremoniously drops Zidane*

Zidane: "Ow.  Er -- uhnn... who am I...?"

Kuja: "Ah!  Zidane!  Someone's coming!  Who would it be!  Let me go take my huge-ass sword, made of plastic so I can actually lift it, and go slay some Shinra ass!"  *runs off, and is thrown back... um... suspiciously fast*  "Ow.  Good god.  I think I might die."

Shinra Soldier: *unenthusiasically hits Kuja in the head with a soft stick. it starts to rain.*

Kuja: *dies*

Zidane: *steals Kuja's clothes*  "Now that I have stolen Kuja's clothes from his dead body, blood pouring from macabre wounds..."  *peers*  "...or, no blood... that's okay... huh... great... no blood... agh, this is awful... well..."  *kicks Kuja over the cliff and smirks*  "Now that I've stolen Kuja's clothes from his dead, bloody body, I aspire to steal his memories and live a lie!  I LOOK STUNNING IN A DRESS AND RED EYESHADOW!!!"

Squaresoft: *gorging on donuts*


(ff7. all are none other than... honeybee inn girls!)

Kuja: *wiggles in a honeybee outfit*  "Khehe!  Perfect fit!"

Beatrix: *paste paste paste paste pat pat pat pat pat paste paste paste paste paste*

Quina: *pat pat, paste paste*  "I... so pretty."

Kuja: *breaks Quina's mirror*  "NO!"

Quina: *squish squish, fluff fluff*  "Ah, Kuja.  You want to go out with me."

Kuja: O_O

Beatrix: "......"

Quina: *pat pat, paste paste*  "You no have to explain.  I so happy."

Squaresoft: "...well... it kind of knows... its lines... from its own game... but..."

Quina: *turns*  "Ah, Squaresoft, you find me attractive?"

Squaresoft: "......"


(ff8. dagger = rinoa. vivi = squall. eiko = um, quistis? doesn't really matter who.)

Dagger: "Vivi, I'm pregnant with Garland's child."

Vivi: "...Whatever."

Dagger: "Vivi, KUJA is pregnant with YOUR child."

Vivi: "...Whatever."

Eiko: "And I've just given birth to my and Amarant's love child, Hojeris!  I love the name.  Love, love, love."

Vivi: "Whatever..."  *pauses*  "Um, h-hey, can't they just tape-record my voice?"

Squaresoft: *stares at the sickeningly cute Vivi*  "...Whatever."


(ff8. steiner = zell, amarant = raijin, freya = fujin.)

Steiner: "I want an Alexandrian hotdog. <_<"

Amarant: "Ya know?"

Freya: "Um... RAGE!!"  *beats Amarant with a mythril spear*

Amarant: "Ya know?"

Steiner: "...I want an Alexandrian hotdog. <_<"

Amarant: "Ya know?"

Freya: "Umm... RAGE!!!"  *beats Amarant with a mythril spear. severely.*

Steiner: *flips out and beats Freya and Amarant*  "GET ME AN ALEXANDRIAN HOT DOG!"

Squaresoft: *watching from afar, very afar*  "...That was pretty out of character."